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You Have Attachment Issues?

We’ve all heard the heard word “attachment” before. It’s often on the peripheral of conversations when discussing behaviour in intimate relationships. But what exactly is it?

Generally speaking, some people become more attached in relationships than others. One is either labelled independent and low maintenance, or clingy and high maintenance. If we delve deeper however, there is much more going on, all of which can be traced back to our experiences as children.

The attachment experiences you have with the key parental figures in your life can influence the attachment style that develops in adulthood, particularly in intimate relationships.

 Attachment Theory In Childhood

Attachment style is defined as the emotional bond you learn with your parents or primary caregiver(s) as you are growing up. John Bowlby developed a theory based on how children react to being separated from their parents, which was further developed by Mary Ainsworth.

Children who had accessible, attentive, loving parents developed a secure attachment. They were able to play happily and be around other people in the absence of their parents. Children whose parents were the opposite, developed insecure attachment. They were either anxious-resistant and distressed during separation, or anxious-avoidant.

 Attachment Theory In Adulthood

The same concepts apply with adult bonds in romantic relationships. Some people aresecure. They feel validated and loved. They are able to operate on an autonomous level outside of being a couple. They trust that the bond is safe, and that their partner will come back to them.

Those who are insecure will be dependent and fearful of rejection or being replaced. An insecure person may also rebel against having attachments in order to avoid being rejected. They may have commitment issues, sabotage relationships, or refuse to allow people to get close to them.

These experiences are also reinforced by previous relationships. Someone who has been on the receiving end of infidelity might develop an insecure attachment style with future partners.

Alternatively, someone who had absentee parents, but has had positive adult relationships, may be able to prevent an insecure attachment style from developing.

  3 Categories Of Adult Attachment

Hazan and Shaver  conducted research on adult attachment styles and found three categories based on statements which people had to identify with.


  1.  Avoidant. “I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.” 

  1. Secure. “I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.” 

  1. Anxious-resistant.I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.”

 The results concluded that 20% were avoidant, 60% were secure, and 20% were anxious-resistant. These results were similar to the ones uncovered in the earlier research with children.

Whilst we can’t change the events of our childhood or our past relationships, having a better understanding of our attachment style, and that of our partner, can assist in ensuring that the issues of our past do not become the issues of our present. Who you are today and what kind of partner you are,  is the product of your past relationships, but how you choose to manage that moving forward is totally within your control.

All the best and have a Happy Easter

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Graceful BreakUp

The year: late 2010. The time: some random weeknight. The girl: we’ll call her Dee, a spunky chick with an amazing body and an obsession with TV series.

Dee and I had been seeing each other for maybe two months. It wasn’t serious. Although she had been dropping some hints — hints of both her long-term interest in me as well as her complete lack of emotional stability.

But I was less experienced back then. All I knew was she was hot and there was sex involved. Ignorance was bliss.

So on that random weekday night, she calls me. I answer. “Hey.” She says she has some friends over. They’re just hanging out and having drinks. Do I want to come by?

I wasn’t doing anything particular that night but I told her no. Why? To be honest, I can’t remember why. I just didn’t want to. Didn’t feel right.

She says “Cool.” No problem, talk to you later.

Maybe an hour later she calls back. “Yeah?” You should really come she says. We’re having a lot of fun. “No thanks,” I say. Tonight’s not a good night. “Are you sure?” Yeah, sorry, I say. I’ll call you this weekend. “OK.” She sounds dejected.

Thirty minutes later she calls again. I consider not picking up. I sit there staring at my phone as it rings, rings, rings.

I finally pick up. She’s crying. Why won’t I come see her? I’m embarrassing her in front of her friends. “You can’t be serious,” I find myself saying. She’s drunk. I tell her she’s drunk. She insists she’s not and that she misses me a lot. “You’re saying things that you’re going to regret saying tomorrow. I’ll call you this weekend.” The teary drawls go on. My God, get off the phone I think to myself.

I hang up.

Minutes later she calls back. “Fuck this.” I let it ring. She leaves a voicemail.

A few minutes later she calls again. And then again. Another voicemail. And another one.

I text her and tell her if she wants to see me again, she should stop calling me right now. She calls six more times, six more voicemails. I turn the phone off.

The next day I wake up to 43 voicemails and one text message. The voicemails are from the night before. The text message is from early that morning. I read the text: “I’m really sorry. I was drunk last night. I don’t know what came over me. Please don’t be mad at me. I’ll make it up to you tonight. Deal?”

I reply, “I think we should stop seeing each other.” I delete her number and the voicemails without listening to them.

It’s the only time I’ve ever broken up with someone over text. And it felt completely justified.

IS THERE A RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO HANDLE A BREAK UP?

Yeah, we’ve all been there… not fun.

There’s that old saying that “breaking up is hard to do.” Well, not only is it hard to do, but it’s hard to handle the aftermath and the emotional complications that burp up out of us when we’re in such a vulnerable state.

Break ups are also difficult because they’re as unique as the relationships that spawn them. Giving advice on break ups can be complicated because break ups are contextual. For instance, I would never advise to break up with someone through text message, but at the same time, I’m completely content in how I ended things with our bullshit crazy lady friend, Dee.

The key to a graceful break up and a healthy recovery depends on a variety of factors. Are you the dumper or the dumpee? Did you break up over a singular issue or was the chemistry and excitement gone? Were things emotionally turbulent for a long time or did things just suddenly ‘snap’?

And then there are the more permanent questions: Do you want to stay in contact with your ex? How do you get over missing them? What if they want to get back together with you? What if Steve was more your friend than her friend even though she thinks he likes her more but he really likes you more?

These are all good questions. And they deserve answers. So I’ll do my best. Below are some guiding principles on how to handle a break up gracefully.

10 PRINCIPLES FOR BREAKING UP GRACEFULLY

1. Always do it in person and if possible, don’t do it in public. 

Unless they did something totally out of line like scalp your cat (or leave you 43 tearful voicemails in one night), and if you have any respect for them at all (often a legitimate question), then always do it in person.

Yeah, it’s harder. But suck it up. And if possible, don’t do it in public. Being in public makes people feel limited in what they can express, whether it be final words they’d like to say to you, or dishware they’d like to break. Which brings us to principle number two…

2. Never make a scene and keep your bullshit to a minimum. 

Feeling distraught is OK. Being torn apart from the inside out is fine and expected. Wishing fiery hell and brimstone onto your ex and feeling the urge to dismantle their life and everything they hold dear piece-by-piece isn’t totally out of the ordinary either. But any attempt to do so is going to just make you look like a child with down syndrome throwing a tantrum. Control yourself. Grieve and express your pain, but don’t do anything stupid. Do it in private and do it with someone you trust.

3. Do NOT try to make the other person feel better. 

This goes particularly for the dumper (cue Beavis and Butthead laugh). Once the relationship is severed, the other person’s emotions are no longer your responsibility. And not only is it no longer your responsibility to help them cope, but comforting them will likely make them feel worse. It can also backfire in that it will just make them resent you more for being so nice (while dumping them).

And for God’s sake, don’t have sex with them. Seriously, you just broke up. They’re crying and saying how much they’re going to miss you. You hug them to make them feel better. You start getting upset because you wish things could have worked, but this is for the better. Suddenly you’re tearing up and wondering why you’re dumping them in the first place, because god, remember when things were good? They were great, right? Then her clothes are off and she’s crying and smiling and suddenly the sex is more passionate than it’s been in a year and a half and what the fuck, what are you doing, man? No, really, what are you doing!? Stop!

4. After the break up, respectfully cut all contact for a short period of time. 

This is the second thing that many people don’t muster the courage to do. A lot of people get hung up on remaining friends and actually force contact when it’s causing them more emotional stress.

Research on relationship break ups finds that people who limit contact with one another emotionally recover much faster.

Not only is it totally reasonable to refrain from seeing/speaking to each other for a brief period of time, but it’s healthy. The more contact you’re in, the more risk you run of setting off a emotional time bomb, relapsing, and ending up in that messy no-man’s land of “we’re not together but we’re still kind of together but she’s definitely not my girlfriend but I really miss her. I’m going to call her really quick and ask her to pick up some more Coke Zero before I come home but seriously she’s not my girlfriend — bro, why are you looking at me like that?”

5. Talk to somebody about it. 

This one may seem obvious, but make sure you do it. If this is a particularly serious relationship, talk to a trusted friend or family member before making the decision. And then take whatever advice they give you seriously. We are often poor observers of our own relationships, but our friends can see how its affecting us better than we can.

6. Allow yourself to be sad/angry/upset but don’t judge or blame anyone. 

Emotions are healthy and normal. Even negative emotions are healthy and normal. But judging and blaming people, whether it’s them or you, doesn’t get you very far.

Should probably keep the cookies to yourself this year.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t distinguish good/bad behavior or good/bad choices. Learning from your errors and what went wrong in your relationship will go a long way to helping you move on. I was really messed up about my first serious relationship. I harbored a lot of resentment because she left me for another guy. I didn’t really start to get over it until I came to terms with all of the ways I wasn’t that great of a boyfriend. Once I realized that I wasn’t such a perfect angel and that I wasn’t completely the victim, then it was easier to come to terms with what happened and let go of them.

Start by recognizing that maybe she wasn’t as great as you thought and there were some things you didn’t like about her. Recognize the things you didn’t do well and how you could have been a better boyfriend. But don’t blame them or trash them as people. Everyone goes into a relationship with the best of intentions. Most people come out of them feeling hurt and betrayed in some way. Most people come out having messed up royally somewhere along the way. There’s nothing uniquely horrible about you or that one person. Just learn from the mistakes and move on.

7. Recognize that the break up itself is a sign of your incompatibility and you’re both better off. 

Here’s something that grates on me: people who just got out of a relationship and lament that “he/she and I were perfect together.”

Obviously you weren’t. Otherwise you’d still be together.

For some reason when it comes to judging someone’s compatibility, people suddenly excise out the fact that they aren’t together anymore. Oh yeah, even though we were clawing at each other’s throats for the last six months, that first trip we took to Florida was magical. We were just so right together.

While we do all have perceptual biases for remembering things better than they were, it’s important to remind oneself that you broke up for a reason. And often that reason is a very good reason.

And for those of you still holding onto that one special someone months or years later: stop. If they were right for you, they would have realized it by now. You’re deluding yourself. Move on.

8. Invest in yourself. 

The longer you spend in a romantic relationship, the more your sense of identity melds with theirs. Being together with someone in such an intimate space for so long creates a third, overlapping psychological entity that comprises both you and them.

And when that entity suddenly dies, not only is it painful, but it leaves a temporary void in who you are.

This is why the best and most important post-breakup advice on the planet is to invest in rebuilding your personal identity. Rediscover your old hobbies. Focus double on work. Start that new project you’ve been putting off for months. And most of all, spend time with your friends. Your friends will not only reassure you and make you feel better in the moment, but they will also help you reinforce your own personal identity again. Friendship is the best medicine for heartbreak.

9. Only start dating again when you’re legitimately excited to. 

A lot of people break up and enter a “rebound” period. They’re immediately back on the market and throwing themselves at the first thing that comes by. The problem is this is more of a coping mechanism than genuine enthusiasm for the new people one’s meeting. You can tell because the new connections you make feel complicated and lacking. Anxiety and desperation come back with a vengeance, and overall the process of meeting someone new is far less enjoyable.

After your break contact and invest in yourself, don’t pressure yourself to meet someone new until you’re legitimately excited to do it. There’s a difference between excitement and desperation. Desperation is feeling alone and incomplete without dating someone — like you need to be with someone to be happy. Excitement is being genuinely excited to discover what’s out there and feeling fine regardless of what happens.

Besides, when you’re excited to meet new people and are in a good place emotionally, you are far more attractive anyway. It’s worth it.

10. Only attempt to be friends with your ex again once you’re over the idea of dating them. 

Some people have the admirable goal of remaining friends with their ex. Other people have the admirable goal of breaking the kneecaps of their ex with a tire iron.

Whatever the goal for your future relations with your ex, they need to happen organically. Forcing a friendship enters into testy territory as it can make the other feel person obligated to you and that can kick up a lot of the negative feelings leftover from the break up.

What I’ve found is that if you had a strong friendship within the relationship, that friendship will naturally emerge outside of the relationship once you’ve both moved on. In a lot of cases, it takes dating new people for both parties to relax enough to form that bond again. Other times it takes a lot of time. But if that friendship is there, it’ll eventually sprout up. Do it a favor and don’t force it.

IS TRYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER REALLY THAT HOPELESS?

I often get texts from people with their break up situation asking if it’s hopeless. Is there any chance they may end up back together?

Here’s the deal: if you get back together after one break up, it can work. But that’s assuming that one or both of you genuinely learns from the break up and alters the course of their behavior or their perception of the relationship. There are plenty of examples of couples who needed some time apart to gain perspective on the relationship and learn how to make it work. And generally, only one catastrophic break up isn’t too much to heal.

But if you’re going through break up after break up after break up — or what I sometimes refer to as the “emotional boom cycle” — where you’re either in bliss or in hell, depending on which month it is, then I hate to say it, but you should probably just end it permanently.

Imagine your relationship as a beautiful china plate. If you break it once, you can put it back together with some care and effort. If you break it a second time, you can still put it back together but it takes a lot of extra time and care. But if you break it again and again and again, eventually you end up with so many pieces that you can’t put it back together. And no matter how much you liked that plate, you’re better off going and finding another one.

So next time uhm, okay bye

FeaturedFacebook Is A Good Judge Of Character Than Anyone Closer To You

Facebook Is A Good Judge Of Character Than Anyone Closer To You

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What do your Facebook “likes” say about you?
Computers can be better at predicting our personality than our friends and family, an experiment with tens of thousands of volunteers has indicated.

By analysing “likes” on Facebook, a computer model deduced a person’s character on five key traits better than brothers, mothers and even some partners.

The Cambridge team acknowledge that personality is more complex than this.

But they say the results show computers can outpace humans.

And the findings, in the journal PNAS, suggest some interesting associations – Facebook fans of Dr Who tend to be shy, while fans of Big Brother are conservative or conventional.

Digital footprint

The University of Cambridge and Stanford University researchers had already said that including sexual orientation and political leaning.

In this study, they wanted to go a step further and pit man against machine to see which would perform better at making judgements about human character and personality.
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Dr Youyou Wu and her colleagues ran the data of 70,520 willing Facebook users through their computer system, which linked “likes” to five core personality traits:

• agreeableness

• conscientiousness

• extraversion

• neuroticism

• openness

The Facebook users completed a personality questionnaire and were asked to get their colleagues, friends and family to act as character witnesses by filling out a survey.

The researchers then compared all the results to see how the computer model fared in summing up a person’s self-reported character.

Given enough “likes”, the computers came closer to a person’s self-reported personality than even their closest allies.

By looking at just 10 Facebook “likes”, the computer was able to outperform a work colleague.

Analysing 70 “likes” let the machine rival a friend or flatmate.

Using 150 “likes”, it trumped a family member, but not a partner – it took 300 likes to match or outdo their deductive power.

Given that the average Facebook user had about 227 “likes” on their profile, this was ample for a computer to go on, said Dr Wu – a visiting intern at Facebook and a PhD student at the University of Cambridge.

“It may seem surprising because people are generally good at judging personality.

“It’s intuitive to think that people close to us know us very well, so it’s even more impressive that computers are able to beat us at our game.”

She said that people now spent a lot of time online, which gave computers the edge.

“Friends and colleagues might only see us in a limited number of situations, so they have less information to go on.

“Computers can access a lot of relevant information about us and have a huge memory capacity.

“And they can make judgements in a consistent, systematic way, whereas humans may be biased.”

Alan Redman, a chartered psychologist with a specialist interest in personality and psychometrics, said advertising companies already used our digital footprints to build a picture of who we were.

And potential employers might want to check social media sites before seeing a candidate.

“We do need to be careful,” he added.

“We have little control over the data that is being collected about us.”

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Dog Lessons for People

12 - 1

– Enjoy the simple pleasure of a walk
– Run and play daily
– Be loyal, faithful and quick to forgive
– Always drink plenty of water
– Sometimes it is best to sit close and listen
– Follow your instincts
– Keep digging until you find what you want
– Avoid biting when a growl will do
– Accept all of life’s treats with gratitude
– Love unconditionally

Have a great weekend and dont get pregnant

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Ready For A New Relationship?

You might be keen to meet someone new, but are you really ready for a new relationship? Here are some signs you should remain single and fuck around for a little while longer.

1. You still think about your Ex

These thoughts are not just passing ones – you can’t help but think about the good times or feel down about the break-up. Yep, maybe you’re not over him /her. Honestly, I consider myself a pro at letting go but this was me at some stage. I thought of my ex over a period of 2 years and couldn’t manage to have sex with someone else. That’s a total no, no, no or my saddest moment in the annals of the infamous Anicle. A week is cool to get over someone and be ready to do your shit.

2. You have anger issues towards the opposite sex

Yes, some guys / girls hurt you in the past and you’re still pretty pissed as a motherfucker about it. You can’t really bring all that baggage into a relationship with a new mate, now can you? Take some time out.

3. You’re not done being stoked and single
There’s so much fun to be had and you really don’t wanna waste a moment of it because you have to try fit someone into your schedule and that’s pretty pretty much of work there.

4. Your heart lies elsewhere

You might have a crush on someone or have feelings for a girl / guy you’ve been mates with for a while. Better to sort that out before starting out with a clean slate.

5. You’ve got to love yourself first
Before you can enter into a new relationship, you have to make sure that you give yourself love because this translates into self-respect. How can you demand it from others if you’re not giving it to yourself?

6. You give too much
Maybe when you get into a relationship, your whole world becomes about your girl / boyfriend. This isn’t healthy ’cause you should never let your happiness depend on another person. My bad, my bad because I give out my heart like an organ donor.

7. You’re unhappy with your life
This is never a good reason to get a girl / boy. Rather work on making your life stoked! A girl /boyfriend should be an accessory to your fab life – not the main prize

8. You’re bored or want a distraction
Put all your attention on wanting to make your life more exciting.  You definitely don’t need a girl/boy to do that!

9. You don’t know what went wrong in your previous relationships
It’s not a good idea to jump into a new relationship if you haven’t thought about what you’ve learnt from your previous ones. This will just drag all your baggage into a new romantic situation or result in you starting a negative pattern of dating the wrong people.

10. You go for the wrong guys
Aha, if you’re already in that pattern where you bring home the bitches that are not right for you, then it’s best to take some time to figure out what you’re doing wrong. Ditch the drama. Man the fuck up and get your shit in order.

11. You want a relationship for all the wrong reasons
Sometimes we get swept away by the idea of love, or because it’s cool to have a girl since all your mates want one maybe two, or because society demands that you don’t spend Valentine’s Day alone. Rather choose to have someone because you really want someone, not just because you feel you should. Okay?

Deal with your motherfucking bullshit and then look out the window to see what’s good about the world out there. WORD: Negativity begats contempt.
So finna you out and trouble someone be clear first.

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THINGS TO KEEP OFF THE INTERNET

Between Facebook, Twitter, and whatever lame ass stupid social networking site you use to beg for attention, so many of us post inappropriate nonsense. Sure, these sites allow you to voice your opinion, share your life with loved ones, and just be free and have fun. However, sometimes we share a bit too much and have a little too much fun. Now, I’m not here to censor your online world, but there are a few things that we just don’t need to see when we login.

1. Ignorant opinions
Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion… or whatever. But some of you really should just STFU. Many don’t have the intelligence to voice their opinions without sounding like a judgmental prick, and others don’t have the balls to stand behind the ignorant opinions they post. Unless you know how to successfully debate a controversial issue, don’t talk about it. Unless you are an expert on a subject, don’t correct others on it. And if you have to wonder if you fall into any of these categories, just shut up and play it safe.

2. Pictures of your ugly ASS kids
They say everyone thinks their own kids are cute, but that’s a damn lie. Y’all know good and well your child looks like Gizmo after a midnight snack, yet you insist on posting pictures of them. It’s unfair to the rest of us. When we see ugly kids we feel guilty because we want to make fun of them, but we don’t want to go to hell. Save us from that internal conflict please.

3. Relationship drama
I have been so very guilty of this. Anyone who follows my Twitter knows that. [Truuue.] But it’s still not OK. We don’t care. Complaining about your relationship will only make us doubt the authenticity of it and send out a bat signal for side-chicks to come mess things up.

4. The FUCKS you clearly do have to give
If you really didn’t care about x, y, z, then you wouldn’t post about x, y, z. Online beef is the most ridiculous thing ever. Somebody’s always posting or getting offended by subliminals. I can’t keep track of who hates who, but the time everyone takes to talk about who they hate just sickens me. Kiss and make up or just shut the fUck up.

5. Your embarrassing family history
OK so your mama was a hoe and you don’t know who your dad is. We do judge you for this, so stop.

6. Side-chicks
Don’t friend them, don’t retweet them, don’t give them any power. We enable these creatures by acknowledging their existence. I loathe Facebook for the “it’s complicated” option. And they themselves should know to stay off the internet because their job is to be invisible til someone gets horny on a Wednesday night.

7. Prayers
I’m about to get religious up in this bitch. Jesus/God or whoever you worship does NOT have a Facebook account. Why the hell are you posting prayers? We can’t cure your ailments or chronic unemployment so stop wasting space on the screen. Besides, in The Bible it says you’re not supposed to make your prayers public anyway so there. Peep Matthew 6:1-8. Or just toss it out as one of those rules that you choose to ignore.

Signing Out

Anicle

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6 Things You Should Not Tell Your Girlfriend

6 Things You Should Not Tell Your Girlfriend

There are a few of us who’ve been with the same person our entire lives, but most of us have been through a break-up or two. One of the scariest feelings in an ugly break-up is what the bitter ex will do with the information he or she accumulated while the relationship lasted. Say that twice if your ex is crazy. That said, it’s super important to make sure that you’re not the one that falls in love all the time and spills his beans to every person who claims to love you. The damage that can be done with this intimate knowledge can hurt not just you, but also those around you.

Now I’m probably not the best one to be out here giving relationship advice; I mean, my only valid credential is that people tend to like my life advice on Facebook. Nonetheless, I’m going to present you with the definitive list of things you probably shouldn’t (but probably will) share with anyone whom you have yet to commit to marring – err – marrying.

1) Cell Phone Code

This should be obvious. Even if you have nothing to hide, your significant other has no business all in your personal business. Text convos with your mom, best friend and/or your hot co-worker should be totally off-limits to your partner. It might not be your fault that some random chick is liking your IG pictures en masse and leaving smiley faces in your mentions but your significant other might not feel the same way. Avoid the argument.

2) Universal Password

We all have that one password that we use for everything in life. From your college email to your secret Tumblr, there’s always that one password that has the potential to unlock your entire digital life. Never give this up. Change it if needed, but never give this password up.

3) Embarrassing Secrets

We all have that story about that time we did something so terribly embarrassing that we don’t want anyone to know… And we all have that moment when a person feels so close that you can just tell them anything. Do yourself a favor and don’t. If you do, you’ll hear about it it during your next argument. (Example: “And that’s why you got stage fright and will never have a threesome!”)

4) Your Friend’s Embarrassing Secrets

Was totally going to include this in the item above but then I realized that it’s even more important. Talking bad about your friends or telling their secrets to the person you’re currently romantic with is violation of Bro Code, Girl Power or whatever else you believe in. People lose friends over this.

5) Anything Involving An Ex

You know that pair of Timbs you love so much? Don’t tell your girl your ex bought those for your birthday in 2009, or you might find them mysteriously covered in bleach. Nobody wants to hear about their partner’s prior relationship, especially if it was a serious one. It’s just cause to argue so learn to bite your tongue.

6) Your Hot Button

Last but not least, never let your significant other know what truly sets you off. Feel free to share the petty annoyances and low-key fears but never – under any circumstance – let him or her know the action they can take to completely dismantle your logical thought centre and send you into a full on

. No one bop should have all that power.

Lesson of the day? Keep your mouth shut till you get married, and even then, use your head. Good luck.

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Ending Silent Treatment

THE CHALLENGE:- How do two people who have vowed to love each other get to the point where they refuse to talk for hours—or even days? ‘At least we stopped fighting,’ they tell themselves. Still, the issue has not been resolved, and they both feel uncomfortable.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Retaliation. Some spouses use silence as a form of revenge. For example, suppose a husband makes weekend plans without consulting his wife. When she finds out, she is angry and calls him inconsiderate. He responds by calling her oversensitive. The wife storms off and stews in silence. In effect, she is saying, “You hurt me, so I am going to hurt you back.”

Manipulation.
Some use the silent treatment as a means to get what they want. For example, imagine that a husband and wife plan a trip and the wife would like to take her parents along. The husband objects. “You’re married to me, not to your parents,” he says. He then gives his wife the silent treatment, shunning her in the hope that she will break down and concede to his wishes.

Of course, a temporary time-out can give a couple the opportunity to let emotions cool when an argument is getting out of hand. That type of silence can be beneficial. The Bible says that there is “a time to keep quiet.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7) But when it is used as a means to retaliate or manipulate, the silent treatment not only prolongs conflict but also erodes the respect the couple have for each other. How can you prevent that from happening to you?

 WHAT YOU CAN DO

The first step to ending the silent treatment is to recognize it for what it is—a tactic that, at best, works only short-term. True, not talking may quench your thirst for retaliation or compel your spouse to give in to your wishes. But is that really how you want to treat someone whom you have vowed to love? There are better ways to resolve conflicts.

Be discerning. The Bible says that love “does not become provoked.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) So don’t overreact to such emotionally charged statements as “You never listen” or “You are always late.” Instead, discern the intent behind the words. For instance, “You never listen” might really mean “I feel as if you don’t take my viewpoint seriously.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 14:29.

Think of your spouse as your teammate rather than an opponent
Lower your voice. Arguments tend to escalate as they continue. On the other hand, you can change the direction of a heated discussion. How? The book Fighting for Your Marriage says: “Softening your tone and acknowledging your partner’s point of view are potent tools you can employ to diffuse tension and end escalation. Often that’s all it takes.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 26:20.

Think of “we” instead of “me.” The Bible says: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” (1 Corinthians 10:24) If you think of your spouse as your teammate rather than your opponent, you will be less likely to take offense, argue, and then refuse to talk to your spouse.—Bible principle: Ecclesiastes 7:9.

The silent treatment runs counter to the Bible’s admonition: “Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) Why not make an agreement with your spouse that the silent treatment is unacceptable in your marriage?

KEY SCRIPTURES

“He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment.”—Proverbs 14:29.
“Where there is no wood the fire goes out.”—Proverbs 26:20.
“Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended.”—Ecclesiastes 7:9.

THROW THE BALL GENTLY

The Bible states: “Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt, so as to know how you ought to give an answer to each one.” (Colossians 4:6) This certainly applies in marriage! To illustrate: In a game of catch, you toss the ball so that it can be caught easily. You do not fling it with such force that you injure your partner. Apply the same principle when speaking with your spouse. Hurling bitter remarks will only cause harm. Instead, speak gently—with graciousness—so that your mate can catch your point.

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Acceptance with God

For 26 years after the surrender of Japan in 1945, Japanese soldier  Shoichi Yokoi hid in the remote jungles of Guam living on berries, nuts,  rats, and frogs. Following the creed of soldiers loyal to imperial  Japan, he refused to surrender because he did not believe the war was  really over. Two hunters discovered him in January 1972 in a remote  jungle. He was wearing a pair of burlap pants and a shirt that he had  made from tree bark.  When found, Yokoi was expecting the worst from his American captors.  Instead, they gave him first-class trip back to Japan. His first words  to his people were, “It is with much embarrassment that I return.” But  instead, the Japanese people welcomed him back as a national hero. He  became a popular commentator on survival and even ran for parliament.

Just like in the case of Yokoi, we have been deceived by the father of lies (John 8:44).  We keep away from the only One who longs for us to come to Him so that  He might lift us out from the dark pit we are in. Many of us have agreed  with Satan that God does not welcome us as we are. Therefore, we spend  our lives running and hiding from God. But God, in His infinite,  unselfish love, always sends “hunters” on our path so that we might be  brought to reality. Just like the father longed to see his son return in  the parable of the prodigal son, so is our Father longing for us to turn to Him. He alone can give real peace, joy, and love.

We have to believe the promises He made because He is not slow to  fulfill them. He is full of patience and longing to see all turn toward  Him and pass on to reformation that He might heal us (2 Peter 3:9).  Saving us from death was His plan from the beginning and was fulfilled  in Jesus Christ. God provided the Way for us to be saved and we have to  believe that He did. Titus 1:2 says that God cannot lie. We can take God at His Word. In Hebrews 4:16 we are exhorted to come before the throne of grace, not proudly but  confidently, because of who He is. We might be full of sin, but He alone  can cleanse us.

You can know for certain that God longs for you to return to Him and forsake those things that keep you imprisoned (Romans 6:16).  It is written, “In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness  and in confidence shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30:15). So let us run  to our Father and rest confidently in Him. Let us patiently wait without  murmurings and complaints and He shall strengthen us.

“Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying.” ~ Martin Luther.

Ayatollah Anicle out.
Remember to stalk me on twitter @iAnicle

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I Think I’m Becoming A Bitch

When I was younger I was a real man! Granted this was in between the ages of 16-21 that I’m referring to but I was ALL about drinking, partying, bitches, and being a general dumbass. A fucking awesome dumbass! If I was dared to do some shit my response was always, “Fuck no! What do I look like some kinda du… Bitch? Who you calling a bitch?” Then I’d promptly do some stupid shit that proved I was a man and probably get hurt, but I wouldn’t cry… cause Anicle BadAss ain’t no bitch!

No Anicle… no he doesn’t

Well that’s what I thought as time goes on and I get older I realize that 16-year-old Anicle might have kicked 32 year old Badass’s ass.

Man Shit: Double Dares and No Balls

As stated above I was pretty much a certified bad ass at the age of fourteen. Like if I was dared to show my ass (literally) in class I would only hesitate for the purpose of dramatic effect. Usually the exchange would go a little something like this:

Classmate: Hey Anicle, I dare you to moon the whole class while the teacher is talking.
Me: {*Thinking* I was JUST about to do that what a coincidence!} No way man that’s crazy!
Classmate #2: C’mon man I’ll give you a dollar.
Me: No dude that would gross everyone out.
Various Classmates: No it would be hilarious! You should do it!
Me: {*Thinking* Yes my little pawns… more attention… more money}

As I got older I was more reluctant to accept dares but let someone say “no balls.” That shit bugged the hell out of me! I’M A FUCKING MAN YOU DON’T TELL ME I LACK ANY AMOUNT OF TESTES!!! So yeah mom… I did throw that brick through that cop car window. Alpha Male!!!

Now That I’m A Bitch:

Fuck fighting short of my girlfriend or actually physically assaulting me it’s gonna be difficult for you to convince me to fight. I am now six-foot tall and when I get pissed off my voice is loud and booming… I’m intimidating. If someone is not intimated by me oh well, I’m walking away. I don’t care if he is five foot, two inches, 50 kg with a limp I’m not going to fight some random ass angry stranger. He can call my mom anything he wants and say whatever he can think about me. Unless he forces me to defend myself I’m exiting the situation. Also the shit doesn’t even piss me off anymore I lack the emotion ability to give a fuck to the point that I need to fight. Also I simply don’t have time for angry midgets or guys with shit to prove. Instead if someone wants to fight me my reactions are as follows:

  • Think the guy is retarded
  • Wonder why he is so angry
  • Realize I don’t give a shit why he’s angry
  • Hope he at least throws the first punch, for legal reasons
  • Consider how much my clothes cost me 
  • Decide he’s an undercover Mixed Martial Arts boxer
  • Leave

I’m not sure I you guys have seen these little fuckers beating up dudes triple their size on YouTube. But undercover MMA fighters are here and these mother fuckers are for real!

Someone’s about to get fuuuuucked up

[Note: For those of you who have never been in a fight… kidney and gut punches are key. Under no circumstance should you try punching someone in their hard ass jaw, skull or nose. The nose is soft but the part of it that is bone is sharp as fuck and will stab you. Stop the violence.]

Man Shit: Drinking… What Hangover?

Me: WOOOOOOO!
Friend: WOOOOOOOO!
Me: FUCK YEAH BITCHES!!!!
Friend: VIP MOTHAFUCKAS!!!!
Buzzkillington: Hey guys remember beer before liq…
Me: HEY SOMEONE KICK THIS GUYS ASS FOR ME. MY HANDS ARE FULL WITH WHISKEY AND TEQUILLA…. HEY HAND ME A MILLER. I’M ABOUT TO MAKE THE MIXED DRINK OF TERROR!!!
Friend: WHO’S DRIVING HOME?!!?
Me: HOME? BITCHES GO HOME AND I AIN’T NO BITCH!!!

{Next Morning}

Friend: Where are we?
Me: Don’t know… but we need to get to some beer quick… I’m dehydrated.

Me: Why are you sleeping on a toilet?
Friend: … Not sure… but fuck these pillows bro.

Now That I’m A Bitch:

Friend: WOOOOOO!!!!
Me: SHUT UP!!
Friend: FUCK YEAH BITCHES!!!
Me: Sit your ass down… fucking embarrassment.
Friend: Dude let’s do shots!
Me: Nah I’m gonna stick with Ciders.
Friend: Fair enough. I’m pretty drunk… I think I’m gonna call a cab and go to sleep.
Me: Same here, I’m gonna call my girlfriend. Do you have any Pain Killers?
Friend: Yeah man. Make sure you drink a lot of water.

{Next Morning}

Me: ….Fuck hangovers!! I’m never drinking again in my entire life!!

Man Shit: Not Lovin’ Deez Hoes

Ask twenty year old Anicle how he feels about women… you can’t time travel isn’t a thing… but he would tell all women are stupid whores. No it wouldn’t be a suggestion either he KNOWS all women are stupid, lazy, selfish whores. If she wasn’t she will be or she just got sick of being one. Under no circumstance do you tell a woman your secrets or get too close to them. He would tell you for damn sure you have no business loving them and having an emotional reactions based on how a woman feels. They shouldn’t make you nervous, sad, or angry but always slightly annoyed. He’d also tell you to never lie to them, cheat on them or be anything less than a gentlemen. You would think to yourself that he does care then find out the reason for his chivalry is simply because, “That lying trifling shit is for women, if you’re rude I’m gonna assume your period is coming. And men who cheat can’t control their fucking selves like a woman near chocolate.”

Heidi Klum…. control yourself woman… fucking ridiculous… Wait… BOOB!!!

Ladies, he’ll further perplex you by hating hoes and being disgusted by their attempts to seduce him. Then as a female looking for a guy that is a mixture of bad boy and nice guy you’ll find yourself attracted by his honesty, humor and dislike of sluts. He’ll tell you that he’s down for fun but don’t get attached cause he hates that shit. You’ll decide you can change him. But then one day… “I’m sick of hearing about your damn cat, your views on politics, and your fucking goals with your future PhD in shit.” This will start a HUGE argument that will confuse him of the emotion you display and it will be over… and why?

He started having feelings… can’t be having that shit. Anicle ain’t no bitch…

Now That I’m A Bitch:

You’ve been reading this blog long enough so you’ve gathered that I drink a lot of beer, eat heavy amounts of meat, cuss my fucking ass off and in a constant state of sarcasm. Pretty much I keep my cool and don’t outwardly display much emotion… ask me about my girlfriend.

I’ll start grinning like a little bitch still… after over 30 months being together. I’m not the best boyfriend in the world but to her I am (and she’ll argue forever until you agree.) Fact is I’m an Asshole, I mean really fucking dumb one time I took Solphyllex to help with an upset stomach because it’s brownish like no gastrointestinal medicines I know and she still takes care of my dumb ass. As far as trust goes there’s no one on this earth that knows ALL of my secrets and every aspect of my personality except for her. I can talk to her about any and everything and not feel judged, only loved and accepted.

Look at her gah damn smile… now say no to her… didn’t fucking think so.

I’ll go completely out of my way to make this woman smile every single day… not ALL day cause as I said I’m a fucking asshole. But I can definitely make everyday a little better at some point for her. I can’t even pretend that I put up much of a fight during the whole falling in love thing. She’s my friend’s friend and we had our friends in common who kept trying to get me to meet this girl who I had soooo much in common with. They were right. We met, talked… a lot, started dating and fell in love. All that BEFORE we had sex like it was the fucking 1950′s again. The whole thing played out like some corny ass love movie that would make you gag and claim bullshit.

So to the younger WAY more manly version of me, I sorry for becoming such a biTch.

HEY WAIT!!! Leave like… a word in the comment section… maybe a letter or punctuation mark… shit… something. It just makes my day.

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Well, a few minutes ago I was just chilling and this struck me. What if and only what if you want to try it? After all the society has evolved so much, gays can tie the knot in church , priests can victimise little boys, the Pope can join twitter and throw some dope ass tweets and can retire too. Embrace change and criticism motherfucker.

A few years from now those who oppose gay marriages right now will be like those who crucified Jesus a few centuries ago. All I’m saying is as people we need to be progressive. I’m sitting on the bed alone waiting for her to come home. I damn miss her, just to quantify it “This Much!.

Let’s move to the main issue here, which is like what you have guessed already “open relationship”. You might feel like you need a bit of excitement in your relationship or maybe you just want to be able to flirt with other people without getting dumped. But is an open relationship right for you? Winky eye.

It can work, but only if you’re open about it. Going behind your mate’s back and seeing other people is not the definition of an open relationship – it’s the definition of cheating. If you want to open up the playing field, then as your partner your other half deserves to know how you feel. You both have to agree on having an open relationship. In this way, an open relationship could work because you’re both clear about what you want from the setup and you’ve set some rules.

If it’s okay with her, it’s got to be cool with you

If you want to be able to have a bit more freedom in your relationship, just remember that it’s only fair for your mate to score some space, too. How do you really feel about him / her hooking up with other girls / guys? Little jealous, right? This is a huge downfall of open relationships because it’s not always easy to leave your heartstrings at the door.

Don’t jump in blindly

Another con when it comes to opening things up in your love life is that it could end your relationship. By the time you realise that you don’t actually want any other person, you will have lost your boy / girl – friend. Not a cool feeling! Be sure of what you want before you jump into the fun of it because open relationships can be a party pooper when you wind up getting hurt.

Look after each other out there and don’t end up getting hurt, Anicle warned you.

Thuggie-thuggie

Ayatollah Anicle Signing Out

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Parachuting Out of Relationships (Is It SAFE)

Just a couple of hours ago before I started penning this article a sky-diver (Felix Baumgatner) jumped out of the sound barrier (24 miles high into space the stratosphere to be exact babe and landed on his feet and broke the world record. Well I tweeted a few minutes before the jumped that it was going to be a thud and end of him.

Nowadays relationships are more like that, try this and if it don’t work jump onto the next one but is if safe? That’s my only question.

I don’t have a lot to say in this article because of one fact only! I haven’t been getting some pussy as of late so you know I got bloggers block. It hits all the time I seem to sit down and try to focus. However let’s talk this before I start to feel sleepy.

We’re all looking for our greatest selves. People will tell you not to look for love, and love will find you. Love appears to be occupied with Twitter these days, because many of us are stuck with planning our escapes from hollowed relationships. When the point of no return is reached, some of us are firm enough to be upfront with our significant other. Some of us are waiting for Armageddon, or figuring we’ll have to cause Armageddon to end the flailing relationship. While a majority of us are strapping on parachutes to escape the inevitable crash and burn.

They say that breaking up is hard to do. Are we even trying to break up anymore? People are parachuting out; meaning you already have someone waiting in the wings to divert any inevitable loneliness in the near future. Having our parachute gives us a false sense of liberation. Suddenly, everything you wanted to say to your bored significant other can be spewed with relative ease. Anybody can walk away if they’re escorted. Because that’s what we’re doing when we’re parachuting. We’re walking away.

We can’t introduce ourselves to happier relationships if we fear properly ending our previous ones. If you’re taking a test and leave one of the questions blank, that question would be marked in red ink. The same rule applies when you walk away from a relationship instead of properly ending it. Ask yourself, “Do I parachute out of relationships? Am I a multiple parachuting offender? Do I continue to date the same kind of person because I never addressed the issues of the principal relationship?”

It’s very possible you’re having the worst luck in relationships because at 29 years old, you’re haunted by a principal relationship you had at age 19. It’s not up to you to find the person that broke your heart in College. However, instead of piling more pain on top that moment, dig for that moment in your mind. Comb through that moment, stand face to face with those emotions and forgive yourself in the areas you should.

If you’d like to know how long you should wait before entering into a new relationship, it’s simple. First, be strong enough to finish what was started. Engage in a concise conversation with your significant other, regarding the reasons why your relationship no longer works for you. A break up is the period to a sentence. Parachuting is a comma. However long it takes for you to emotionally detox after a break up, is how long you should wait; whether 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years.

So in closing, if you’re completely vested in your relationship taking off, you should be even more vest to land the plane before exiting. No more parachuting.

Juniour Out

Till the Next Time

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Women As They Are

There is shit I worry and think about on daily basis but none passes women. Yet I don’t get them, its like I’m a dinosaur of some kind. I know its true that during the age of the dinosaurs it was survival of the fittest but now its another era. Being strong does not take you far, its now survival of the smoothest and I’m not and don’t give a rat’s ass because I’m not smooth. Oh! My shit, I was about to talk about some real nigga shit let’s talk about women and them alone.

We call women as hard to please, emotional, and complicated creations. Yes, we are right (haha). They throw tantrums when they are not obeyed. They might yell or stonewall us if we did something that offended them.
My question to you BIG guy is, are they created and by specs of nature HARD TO UNDERSTAND? or Are we GUYS often times use our NUTS than our BRAIN? here let the BLOG say:

1. Women are Emotional Creatures. (Confirmed)

2. Women are HARD to Please. (same as MEN)

3. Women want Power.

(No, they want you (MAN)  to be more POWERFUL). Despite the power-the-women propaganda Beyonce and Rihanna had on their songs, you are still in-charge and they want that MASCULINE power.

4. Women want Good Looking guys.

(Yes, but not always). Of course, everyone wants Brad Pit to be their husband. But take note, men are not born to be good looking. Women should be. Women gets attracted to confident males (Alpha Males) – regardless of how they look. Women look into the soul and find romance while we MEN want to get to their pants. (Sad but True).

5. Women are indecisive in Nature (Confirmed).

They can’t decide where to go on a date, what to buy, and what time should it be. That’s why you BIG guy should do the deciding.

6. Women do not exactly say what they exactly feel inside.

But it does not mean they are lying all the time. When a women tells you to back off – yeah, back off dude. But don’t ever take their words at face value. (haha) Try to explore what they feel and you will be surprised. Just like women who often say ” I don’t want a midget guy” and ends up dating one – because the midget guy showed much confidence (I’m just saying, I’m TALL).

7. Lastly and Most Importantly, Love your Woman (not WOMEN)

with your Brain, Heart, and Nuts Just like how I love my girl.

Pay Attention

Juniour Out

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Conversation with Exz

The thing about thinking your about your past is, you laugh at your mistakes and shit. So I was doing what I hate doing which is thinking about my past, since its divided into things I can’t remember and what I can’t remember. Things do get real sometimes, and when you’re as self-loathing and as arrogant as I am you don’t do anything half assed. So, the other day I was doing what I normally do, thinking about women, and realized I’ve been dumped a lot. I’m not talking the “let’s just be friends” let you down easy kind of dumping. I’m talking the “I found someone who will actually talk to me I don’t need to take your shit no more” kind of heartbreak. I deserved it, yes I said that ‘I’m not one of the most emotionally available kind of a person you can ever think of’, but whatever, my mom still thinks I’m a winner and if she doesn’t she wouldn’t ever have the balls to tell me.

I guess you could say I’m a bit of an AFG (average frustrated guy) All or most of my ex-girlfriends are doing really well without me. I’m pretty sure they are all dating men taller than me because I stand a respectable 1.81 meters from the ground up babe, yeah I said that. One of my ex-girlfriends not only got married, but she also found God right after breaking up with me. I’m not going to take all the credit but I do feel pretty good about the fact I could help someone find sweet Jesus.

Some time ago before my blackberry broke I took time to try to talk to my exes but no one would so I called some and some answered. The conversations were kind of funny but enlightening at the same time.

This is how it all went down, believe me it was awesome you would actually believe me that she was not proud to have dated me. (Come to think of it I doubt any of them are sitting around bragging about the fact they dated the guy who is a geek). I’ve never done an interview before so I didn’t think to write down an questions so this is what she said during the questioning process. My bad, you get what you pay for.

If you could do it all over again (dating me) would you?
Yes. After we broke up I met a really great guy who I’m still dating. I would not have met him if we never dated.

Is he better than me in bed?
That is not a question I’m going to answer, it’s not about sex.
Side note: If it’s not about sex then I guess I still don’t know what it’s about.

If you could change one thing about me what would it be?
Your sarcasm (she said as if it was funny). Seriously though, I wish you were willing to compromise more, you only took me out when I begged you to (I think she caught a sickness called Sarcasm).

Where did it start going bad?
I think when you were constantly talking to other girls and no longer made an effort to see me. I think that’s when it started to fall apart.

How is your hot friend doing?
Ugh. Next question.

Did you ever fake it?
Yes
Side note – I don’t believe it

Do you ever brag about dating me?
Not really, I’m seeing someone else now and I don’t think that would be appropriate.

How much did you cry after we broke up?
I cried when we were together, not so much after.
Side note- Really?

Any final words?
I wish you the best.

And with that we said our goodbyes and the call was ended. I bet she still wants me, and if not I bet I could convince her to let me hit it one more time. The advantage of dating someone like me is you avoid good guys, but I’m sure they are boring as hell. At least with all my bullshit she could find things to argue about and everybody knows arguments lead to sex. So with that being said, I feel pretty good about what I’ve been able to do as a boyfriend. Is dating me a good idea? Not really. But dating a guy like me just might make you appreciate the little things in life so much more.

Who needs a girlfriend when you’re going to be the next Zuckerberg?

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From the Olympics

Glad to know the Olympics makes everyone else horny too maybe I’m wrong but very well with that because I was watching the gymnastics with my boys and I’m conclusive that we all the same . I mean honestly, what else comes to mind when you see firm flexible bodies, power moves and a round of applause? Except that girl who turned a fountain while she was making her moves but she was good though. A U.K. based Durex company recently distributed these pretty little hats to competing Olympians. Friendly reminder that these super humans, not only train, but sex, really, really, really good from what my imagination reports. Unfortunately though, I don’t know anyone personally that has mounted an Olympian and has lived to brag about it. However, I can assume and learn from the performances of these amazing athletes a few things that could help our own personal performances…

Always, Always, Always, Thank Your Trainer

There’s a humble thing that these Olympians always do after they stick a mount or cript walk in victory–they run up to their trainers and hug them. Thanking them for nurturing them into the winner athletes they’ve clearly become. Besides a slew of regrets, I think we might owe our own “exes” the same courtesy. All those hours of hot, sweaty, practice and demanding our absolute best. Even if you didn’t get the full cockiness re-upholstery job, you got something to be thankful for. So be a champ and give thanks.

It’s Not about Being the First, It’s About Being The Best

In general, sex is pretty territorial –dogs piss on trees; humans smack asses. Yeah! I did that and that and that you know the shiznit. Crazy but one night of domination leases lifetime ownership, or at least a sense of that for many lovers. And the stakes only get higher for first time cases, ask anybody that ever snatched grabbed someone else’s virginity or turned a chick into a first time M.I.L.F.– there’s a small amount, “hell yea” lingering in the back of said grasp grabber’s sub-conscious ready to attack the possibility of another go round. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the Olympics, it’s not about who came first– it’s about who did it the best. So if you’re a snatch grabber, still puffed on the conquest of hymen breakage, bubble down now. There’s a new someone better than you this year. And there will be a new one the year after that. Consider yourself that Olympian who broke records in the 1960s the one that did something ground breaking in 1900-something, that I’m sure was really awesome by 1900-something standards; a great memory –but still a memory, a distant one at that… And unfortunately that’s the span of your relevance

Just Be Glad You Came

Nothing sucks more than a aching loser. Not to sound insensitive, truly I get it: they trained day in and day out, envisioned and dreamed about victory, they got their whole damn country weighing patriotism and propaganda on their shoulders, in addition to the fact they’re trying make and blow some endorsement money on something that’ll look shiny and enviable on — I get it, lots and lots are riding on these Olympian’s execution of this perfect triple flip, one-legged spin. But what happens when they don’t “stick it”? We’re sad they didn’t do their best, but it becomes a major bummer when they start to sulk about it. Doesn’t poor sportsmanship, or in the case of extreme bitchassness –sexmanship, as in seeing someone huff & puff because they didn’t give their best performance and want to re-prove themselves with another chance, annoy you? No one wants to relive a bad performance. It’s one thing for a woman to endure someone else’s weak performance, but to then later have to entertain and pamper someone else’s shame is far exhausting (Not to mention, the aftermath of weak sex is theoretically not the most nurturing time for women anyways) being a man I can only sympathise but I would guess it feels so.

So if I never said thank you here I go , watch me. THANK YOU! If you never thanked me Don’t say it here rather email me I have a personality to maintain.

Got any more instructions to add? If so, spit it

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Silly Man

So you feel that I’ll leave you
That I’ll change my mind and walk away
But I found you
So I’ll bake you
A chocolate cake
Do you know that I love you
By the way I look into your mind
I surrender my heart
With a teary eye
Take your hands
And place them all around my ears

Take my heart
And hook it up to your face
We’re as one
You and me
A silly man

So my dear
Please forgive me
For the situation that I’m in
Cause I promise
That it’s over
It’s in the wind
Reach for me
And I’ll catch you
You can wings as long as I’m with you
Don’t fly away
Not away
At least not alone
And we fly high
We fly higher than the highest kite
Over mountains
Where non-belivers in disguise hide
We’re so silly
(hahahaha)

Making faces just to make us smile
Yeah, aint no doubt about it baby
Like no others
You and me
A silly man
Take my heart and use it
I wanna give you
I wanna love you
I’ll be more than consistant
I’ll make it better
If you will never
Never leave me
Oo, so we’re friends
And we made a special commitment
So we’re lovers
And we vow to never let it end
So in love with each other
So we make love like instruments
Under covers
We listen to
A silly man
__________________________

Thanks to Tony Rich

Posted via iPhone®

Juniour Out ->

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Fucking Up

If you have read any of my previous articles this should not surprise you, I fuck up things, relationships and anything else easily. I’m a better person though because I know my weaknesses, so let’s see how we can get better and as society.

Everybody makes mistakes, but thanks to an unforgiving culture and the public nature of the internet (Facebook, Twitter, Blogs and other Social Network Platforms (SNP)); it’s not as easy to live down our mistakes as it once was. While messing up can be tougher to live down, it’s still an important learning experience you shouldn’t avoid. Knowing how to handle your errors can help you take important risks and fail gracefully, so gather your courage and let’s talk about fucking up.
It’s next to impossible to go a day without hearing about some horrible statement a person made on the internet or the apology from the last guy to make a public -mix-up. When we’re typing into the record of the internet, it essentially becomes public information. Even if you post a message to a select group of people, if it generates the fury of a few it can find its way outside of your inner circle, incur the wrath of an angry internet, and even hurt your reputation at work or profession (my case).

Fair or not, your missteps will be remembered more clearly than your successes because negative emotion creates stronger, more accurate memories. This doesn’t provide a safe environment for the occasional slip up, and so we tend to try and be perfect. This is the wrong methodology, and one that causes more mistakes than it prevents. I’m going to look at why that is and how you can actually screw up efficiently.

Why Mistakes Are Important

If you never fail, you never learn. If you never learn, you never progress. It’s difficult to move develop in life if you don’t know both what does and does not work. Taking risks and making mistakes help you acquire that information. This isn’t a new idea, but what might surprise you is that you’re actually less likely to make a mistake if you afford yourself the right to make one.

We approach most of what we do with one of two types of goals: be-good goals, where the focus is on proving that you have a lot of ability and already know what you’re doing, and get-better goals, where the focus is on developing your ability and learning a new skill. It’s the difference between wanting to show that you are smart vs. wanting to get smarter. The problem with be-good goals is that they tend to backfire when things get hard. We quickly start to doubt our ability (“Oh no, maybe I’m not good at this!”), and this creates a lot of anxiety. Ironically, worrying about your ability makes you much more likely to ultimately fail. Countless studies have shown that nothing interferes with your performance quite like anxiety does – it is the goal-killer.

This idea carries over into social situations—a place where the concept is actually more obvious. If you strive for perfection when dealing with other people, your brain is going to make you anxious. When you try too hard to be and act a certain why, you’re almost assured failure. There isn’t a single adult on the planet that hasn’t tried to act “cooler” than themselves and, instead, achieved disaster. You incapacitate yourself be aiming to be better than to become better. Choosing to make mistakes is a lot easier and more effective.

How to Make Mistakes (and Recover from Them) Effectively

The freedom to make mistakes isn’t everything. You’ll solve few problems if you don’t make an effort to mess up effectively. Part of the solution to this problem is making your errors early on, as a phenomenon called the sunk cost fallacy causes us to go down with a sinking ship simply because we’ve spent a lot of time with it. This is because in general, we hate to lose. When the stakes are high, we’ll do almost anything to avoid it. When those stakes are lower, it’s easier to overcome our obsessive drive for loss-aversion.

First, you need to recognize when the stakes are low. A social situation with stranger you could easily never see again may make you feel anxious, but there’s little to lose. It’s a great opportunity to say something stupid, rather than in front of someone you secretly hope to impress or—even worse—pretty much anywhere online where the world can see. In a work environment, you just have to allow yourself to experiment before you dive into a project. Liberal allowances of trial and error make it easier to find fault. If you wait too long to play with your ideas, you run the greater risk of getting stuck trying to salvage a sinking ship.

But what happens when you actually do make a mistake? You try and make the best out of a bad situation. How bad that situation actually is will depend on a number of factors, but let’s take a look at a few examples:

You just posted an insensitive comment on Facebook and people are angry. When this happens, you have a couple of options, the simplest of which is to delete it. That gets rid of the immediate problem—you know, everyone getting in your face about something you said—but that doesn’t resolve any of the lingering anger amongst your friends. It also doesn’t prevent anyone who took a screenshot from posting it elsewhere should they choose to do so. Instead of deleting the post, consider hiding it from public view instead. This way you can respond to people you upset (and if necessary, apologize to them), but it won’t continue to spread to other people who come across it. If you get to a point where you need to make an apology, you’ll find tips to help you out later on in this post.

You took a risky chance on a project at work, believing it would pan out—but it didn’t. At the very least, your boss is going to be upset with you for screwing up under the wire, if not your coworkers as well. Mistakes like this can get you into a lot of trouble considering the severity, and the only thing you can really do is apologize. The important thing, however, is to take responsibility as soon as possible and do it in person if you can. An in-person apology will already seem more sincere than an email or text, because you can use effective body language to better convey your message, and you’ll be easier to forgive if people see you’re already beating yourself up over the whole situation.

The key steps in both of these situations are as follows:

Put a stop to anger and prevent further damage from happening.
Keep those things in mind and you’ll screw up effectively.
Acknowledge that you made a mistake. Don’t pretend like it didn’t happen.

How to Apologize for an Error

Risks don’t always equal rewards. There will be moments when you take a chance, fall flat on your face, and make a few people feel awful in the process. In these instances, an apology is often in order. You may not feel you’ve done anything wrong, but when others feel hurt you have to weigh the pros and cons of admitting wrongdoing. Often times a simple apology is better than adhering to your principles, even if it seems ridiculous to say you’re sorry.

The offender doesn’t get to dictate how another person should feel when something bad is done to offend them. Even minor offenses can make some people feel a disproportionate amount of ‘hurt’. While I’m the first one to say that a person who makes a huge deal out of something “minor” (e.g. misplacing their pencil) probably has some issues of their own, as the offending party you don’t get a say in their emotional reaction… besides, what’s minor for you can be a big deal to them. If a person wants to feel indignation, that’s their entitlement (no matter how ridiculous you feel that indignation is). Some people need time to allow the emotions to die down so letting them feel whatever they feel is a good course of action. As long as the person doesn’t do something to make matters worse (e.g. insult you), the situation should start to improve.

If you decide that apologizing is the best course of action, you want to be sincere. That can be difficult in a situation where you feel an apology isn’t warranted and you didn’t make much of a mistake. When such a situation arises, it helps to think more about how the other person is hurt and how you don’t want them to be instead of the actual issue at hand. Regarding the content, Roger suggests that the best course of action is explaining how you’ll correct the situation:

Reassure those you’re apologizing to that you’re making improvements (only if you mean it) Recognizing the impact of your offense is one thing, it’s a whole other thing to prevent a similar offense in the future. If you posted something online that hurt another person let the world know that you will exercise more discretion and consult others prior to posting content that you feel may be offensive. If you’re apologizing because you forgot your anniversary, let your significant other know that you’re setting up reminders on your calendar. (Just note that having to rely on a calendar to remember an anniversary may lead some people to be even more upset with you.)

While having a plan is going to help, ultimately the best apology is learning from your mistake and doing better. That’s really the benefit of screwing up in the first place. Mistakes are stressful when you hurt other people and it’s not the sort of thing that makes anyone feel good, but nobody’s perfect. Everyone has to make a few errors here and there to learn how to do things better. If you allow yourself to make mistakes, take more chances when there’s a lower risk of a problem, and know when and how to apologize effectively when necessary, you’ll be giving yourself the opportunity to grow, learn, and be better.

Public apologies are proliferating nowadays, and some are certainly handled better than others. While the vast majority of us are not celebrities, there is a thing or two we can learn from their graceful apologies following a blunder or two.

Juniour Out

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Talking To Neighbours

Sheesh! I’m just locking the gate on my way out and bitch niggaz all over my case. Do you know the fucking reason why I don’t want to talk to you? Yeah, I guess you do. You are my fucking neighbour for the love of God not my friend. I don’t know if I’m the only jerk in this world but I think no-one likes their neighbours as I much as I do. I mean as soon as I close my door I put on a fuck you attitude unless I feel you can talk to me telepathically.

The odds are high that you want to speak to your neighbours for a couple or reasons maybe you are always packed with high end computing devices that you can’t afford to buy or else motherfuckers break into your crib and take all that is worth your ass. However if you like Juniour who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what he houses and to whom does it belong, do your thang.
I just don’t want to speak to my neighbours “Period”. Aside my landlord and the other tenant I don’t know no-one who lives in my hood and been living here for more than one and half years. Sounds familiar I guess to those who are like minded.

The most efficient organizer is a common purpose if you wanna talk to your neighbours. If you’d like a greater sense of security when you leave your home and its valuables, or just get to know the people around you, consider common action-oriented interests you all might have as a potential primer.

Hahaha! Let’s hear what you think and say on the comments section below. I love my space and would love to be left alone as much as possible. I get along with people easily but not good at maintaining relationships with anyone so I wouldn’t want to fuck up the little that I know about my neighbour. So I think I’m justified to say that I don’t like my neighbours at all.

Be nice to them but don’t try to be close to them because you might need them one day. They don’t know you and you don’t know them the. Then keep it that way.

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Ideal YOU

Standing infront of my mirror looking at myself my pants saggin, hair half braided, beard the way I want it and a smile that talks of volumes I’m ready to go get this muh’fucker done with. Prolly for the last time but Jesus! I love my hair so much after I grew it myself.

How often do you get up in the morning look at yourself in the mirror and lie to yourself that you are someone you not? Many a day you do that. Aiight you have to that shit and keep yourself fuelled and prolly go up the heights you want, bitch you pretending. I want you on your best and act the ideal you not pretend the ‘YOU’ you want to become.

Psychology professor and author Richard Wiseman points out that positive action is far more effective.

By acting as if you are a certain type of person, you become that person – what I call the “As If” principle.

Take, for example, willpower. Motivated people tense their muscles as they get ready to spring into action. But can you boost your willpower by simply tensing your muscles? Studies led by Iris Hung from the National University of Singapore had volunteers visit a local cafeteria and asked them to try to avoid temptation and not buy sugary snacks. Some of the volunteers were asked to make their hand into a fist or contract their biceps, and thus behave as if they were more motivated. Amazingly, this simple exercise made people far more likely to buy healthy food.

The idea that you can “fake it to make it” certainly isn’t new, but as Wiseman points out, doing so is more effective than just thinking about it. His suggestions for application in your daily life are wide ranging:

Tense up for more willpower.
Use your non-dominant hand when dieting.
Pretend like you’re interested in a subject to get over procrastination.
Adopt a power pose for confidence.

“Subtly nod to trick people into agreeing with you.”

Or, and this is a wild idea, stop presenting miserably bad ideas. If you can’t get people to agree with you by logically presenting your concepts, one of two things is true:

a) Your idea, implementation, or logic is bad, and you should feel bad.

b) They weren’t going to agree with you because they’re incompetent.

Until the next time be the ideal you and spur yourself to action all the time

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Juniour Out

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Complaining Is Stupid | Either Act or Forget

“Complaining Is Stupid; Either Act or Forget”

This quotation comes from graphic designer and is a good reminder that sometimes we need to stop being angry, shut up, and actually do something.

While I’ve been known to enjoy a good complaint on a regular basis, and I don’t think that all complaints are bad, there comes a point when you’re really just avoiding action. Just the other day, during a busy day servicing my stingy clients, I was talking to a friend who was frustrated with how our clients treated us or rather postponed payments.

The conversation ended with me telling him to stop complaining and go do something about it if it really matters to him. If you care about what bothers you, you’ll act. If you don’t, you’ll complain. It often comes down to that.

Juniour Out
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Today I got up feeling good like P Diddy, well I cleaned the windows and they are sparkling. Made a few fucking mistakes in the process, spilled coffee on my white jacket and well the rest is history. Up until today I consider myself a dinosaur and haven’t worked to impress a girl, it just happens though I fuck up a lot. I’m going to cover what I think is ignored in the quest of getting laid or securing a chance to have a girlfriend.

If more men would start acting like gentlemen, maybe more women would start acting like ladies. I’m in full support of this argument. Too many facets of our modern African culture hold men and women to double standards. There are still different rules for the different genders, but the end justifies the means, and etiquette should be a standard that we’re held to equally. So, here are THINGS: To Impress Her—consider it .

1. Don’t show up empty handed

If you’re meeting her friends for the first time, bring a 6-pack. In the early stages of impressing a woman, you’ve got to impress those around her first. Women talk… Women are easily influenced… If you can get “them” to like you, she’ll like you too.

2. Put your phone away

We’re so connected that missing a call or a text seems like…the end of the world? Seriously? Show her that being in the moment with her is more important than being in a text conversation with your bro (who she will likely think is another female). Avoid the rudeness, avoid the “who’s that?” conversation, and put your phone away!

3. Clean

Just in case the date goes well, clean your place. The general rule of thumb is clean 90%, and leave 10% dirty. You don’t want to look like you tried too hard. Or maybe you didn’t try to hard, and you’re just naturally anal-retentive [A term used to refer to a person who feels a need to be in control of all aspects of his surroundings. Or, in other words, an anal retentive person “can’t let go of shit.”]. You don’t want to look anal-retentive either.

4. In the beginning, you should do 80% and she should do 20%

This isn’t a strict rule, and I don’t mean to contradict myself with double standards women hate to pay for shit. BUT… In the beginning, things should not be 50 / 50. They don’t need to be the old-fashioned 100 / 0, but somewhere around 80 / 20 is safe. Men, that means you should pay more often. You should be the one initiating conversation more often. And sleepovers should happen at your place more often but one thing for sure is that her bed is more comfortable than yours. Once you’ve passed dating and moved into the Facebook Official Zone, things can be 50 / 50, but as long as you’re still impressing her, I’d stick to 80 / 20-ish.

5. There are a few hard “don’ts”

Don’t talk with food in your mouth. Don’t slurp your soup. Don’t make dick jokes. Don’t swear (occassional dropping of the s, b, f, s words you know the list, a steep climb for Juniour). Don’t talk about your past relationships. And burping is okay, but don’t forget to say excuse me.

6. Listen more than you talk

Women like to talk. A lot. And a lot about themselves. Please, just let her. Call it the “only 80 / 20 scenario that’s opposite” because the more she talks about herself, the more likely she is to think the two of you have chemistry.

7. Knock on the door

Cell phones make life easier, sure. But if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. How difficult is knocking on her front door? Is calling to say “I’m outside” that much easier? Call to say “I’m here,” but then go one-step further by hugging hello, and (you should know this by now). Ending the date well-mannered is equally important, be sure to walk her to her the taxi.

8. Wash your hands

This is a good life rule. Wash your hands before and after you eat. With soap and warm water. And not just your finger tips. Sing Happy Birthday if you’re wondering for how long.

9. And most importantly, throw the mind games out the window

The best piece of advice I can give you, is to be yourself, but better. If you forget a certain piece of etiquette, let your natural charm win her over. If you don’t want to “wait three days to text her, y’know Jesus got up after 3 days #GuyCode” by all means, don’t! Just be you.

“Hate is easy, Love takes courage.”

Juniour Out
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I’m a crappy gamer but I love playing Grand Theft Auto – Vice City, I suck at it big time but I play it though. What has that to do with anyone who clicked the link that led to this blog article? Well everything! You see when Morris Chavez on his talk show, happens to interview a Pastor Richards who in turn elaborates that his teachings apply mainly to Idiots of which most people are as he says. It got me thinking and here it goes.

Not to be taken seriously though they are just gaming characters but somehow you get to see that there are a lot and I mean lots of Idiots / Retards / Morons / Douchebags whatever crappy insulting word you might think of. I have become so good at sarcasm that sometimes morons take me seriously though its just sarcasm, its easy for me to term one an idiot. It is my thought that once an idiot has been spotted everything is suppose to be done to prevent breeding lest the genes mutate

Idiots are the worst, and they are everywhere. Read this list and don’t be an idiot! A couple of things idiots definitely do:
 
1. Have Bad Hygiene.

Seriously, don’t smell bad.
I’m not claiming to be the cleanest person in the world, but washing clothes and bathing regularly will make the experience for everyone you interact with much more pleasant. Just don’t be an idiot babe.

2. Beauty Should Be Appreciated

See apart from talking a lot about myself I appreciate the designs, art and beauty. God’s Work should never be taken in vain
If you don’t appreciate a nice ass… You’re Definitely an Idiot.

3. Two and Half Men

Well this is no brain teaser or what but everyone knows that Charlie was 2 and Half Men (my thought). If you like Ashton Kutcher better than Charlie Sheen in “Two & a Half Men”…You’re Definitely an Idiot.

4. Not take care of their kids.

Before I say anything if you have a baby and don’t take care of it, FUCK YOU. Condoms range from free to a couple of bucks what the hell is wrong with you, man up and take responsibility. You made a baby? Get a job and take care of it. An added bonus to having a job is that it will keep you distracted from making more babies. It’s hard enough surviving with an entry level position, can you imagine trying to support all of those other families your weekends are trying to trick you into?
It’s not going to happen. You are going to end up relying on the government forever.
Idiot.

5.Cheating

If you cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend need I say more? I know since I was a kid that variety is spice of life but people ain’t food. If you are unhappy just go or leave. Nobody needs to deal with your stupid cheating ass at all. Relationships are not a test so why cheat? WTF, try something difficult like being faithful; copy me and see how it works.
If you cheat You’re Definitely a Douchebag.

6. They think that getting in contact with yourself.

If you consider jerking off cheating on your girlfriend…You’re Definitely an Idiot. Everyone gets in contact with themselves every time unless you are an idiot

7. Leave a mess.

Who do you think will clean after you? You made a mess clean your shit, this got into my mind a few weeks ago when painters were painting the house. This dumbass used the toilet and didn’t flush, so I did what I had to do. What gives! He complained when I locked my bathrooms.

Not cleaning up after yourself is rude.
Take your trash with you, Idiot

8. Make openly racist, classist, sexist, xenophobic or homophobic references.

Other than idiots, all people are created equal. We are all out here trying to make sense of the world, and hoping to find happiness.
Treating people differently because something about them is different is pathetic.
Do something nice for someone. Don’t be an idiot.

9. Not follow through.

“Yeah, I’m going to do that tomorrow.”
You should have done it yesterday, idiot. If you aren’t doing it today, it isn’t going to get done.
If you say you are going to do something, do it!

10. Tell the world about their private moments via social media.

“Herpes flaring up again. SMH.”
Nobody needs / wants to hear that shit!
We don’t care about your relationship status, good or bad.
We don’t need to know that you’ve been getting laid a lot this week.
We don’t need to know anything about your life as an idiot.

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Juniour Out

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Bailing on Plans

Truth is this post might land me in hot water one day mara as a man you are under pressure to make sense, uyaz’ as a Service Technician you need to have a very good sense of Lies (Hahaha). Stru though and I have become a seasoned liar with time though I’m more honesty with the woman in my life. Hope she takes me seriously after reading this post. I feel the need to stray off the point of lies right now because I’m burning two candles in my room and its pretty much the scene you would expect during these cold months. Yeah that you got it right, ‘Power Outages’ the transformer burst and we waiting on Eskom maybe they will come next year.

Excuses. We all make ‘em, regardless of the fact that most of us suck at them. So, you made plans that you want out of? Try saying texting one of these:

1. I’m sick.

Different than telling your boss that you’re sick, friends and family will hear it and not think twice. If they do think twice, it’s not because they think you’re lying, it’s because they care about you and your health. That said, don’t abuse this excuse.

2. I’m tired.

Hardly an excuse, often times this is an honest answer. Plans on Friday nights after a long week of work are the worst. I rarely make them, and you shouldn’t either if you know you’re going to be too tired to party and expect to cancel.

3. I’m sick and tired of…

If you’re really trying to get out of plans, and maybe even out of the friendship altogether, tell ‘em you’re sick and tired of their pushiness – you’ll show up if and when you want to show up, and tell them they’re annoying – quit calling! Note: Only use this if you don’t plan on showing up…ever. Ignoring calls and texts has the same effect.

4. I have a birthday party to go to.

This is the best excuse. (continue reading beyond the best excuse!) Birthdays only come once per year (obvious statement), so if you “just got invited” or “forgot and just remembered,” you’re off the hook from any earlier-made plans.

5. Late night at the office.

How does this work and how do I know, I don’t run an office. I’m a Service Technician I get called per situation or unless I’m on my routine check ups.

Like Number Two, a late night in the office doesn’t have to be considered a made-up excuse, it can be an honest excuse! If it is honest, (again like Number Two) avoid making plans if you know you’re going to have a late night / stressful day at work. In the event that you didn’t know in advance and the plans are already made, your friends should understand. We’ve all been there.

6. My grandma needs help with something and today is the only day that works.

Admittedly, I’ve used this excuse. It won’t work for everyone… I hear your friends now, “Grandma? When have you ever spent time with your grandma?” But if you are a family-oriented guy, it just might work. It’s better than saying “my grandma died,” but it has the same effect – people won’t question your need to be with an elder. And when I’ve used this excuse in the past, I actually did head over to grandmother’s house, not because I had to, but because it seemed like the right thing to do.

7. I’m stuck baby sitting.

Being stuck baby sitting is great because your friends will feel empathy. They’ll quickly get past the fact that you’re bailing on them and move to, “THAT sucks!”

8. I’m running late.

Set the scene by texting your friends that you’re running late. Thirty minutes later text them again saying that you still haven’t left the house. An hour later text them that at this point it’s so late, you’re not gonna make it. BOOM.

9. My partner in crime is sick.

Don’t commit your partner in crime to being sick if he / she is actually not sick and plans on being not sick all over the Internet; but, if you and your partner in crime will be bailing together, it’s safe to use him / her as an excuse!

BONUS: Last minute change of plans, I’m going out of town. My phone died. Something came up. I thought you meant NEXT weekend, I can’t tonight.

Honey don’t get mad I won’t use these lame ass lies on you, I bet I will figure something else aside these ones.

Juniour Out

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Overcome Dyfunctional Relationships

Fo sho ma dawg! Mufassa (move faster) bring up yourselves and walk aside me. I want to show some few things I have endured to become the uncaring caring man I am today. To tell the truth I’m selfish with the fucks I have, I dare tell you that even if you were hanging on a cliff about to fall and I had a couple of fucks in my pocket I wouldn’t give you. The woman I love say that everything is not about me and definitely she is wrong because that’s selfish. She should be a little selfless and make everything be about me.

Everyone has a dysfunctional, disastrous relationship war story. Other than the odd marriage to the high-school sweetheart and a lifetime of bliss to follow, we have all been hit by shrapnel and napalm from a Cupid gone mad or missed and shot the brains instead. Yeah, you know too much television plus I see idiots everyday.

Welcome to the real world men, where love can be a pain in the heart. A woman may seem like the ideal partner but for some reason, fate conspires to make you miserable. You love her but you feel claustrophobic and unhappy.

How bizarre is that? You love her but you have to end it because if not, you may go insane. And so you sever the bond and try to move on. But you feel confused, hurt and alone. You know that she is bad for you, yet she was an integral part of your life for so long that you find yourself lost without her. The relationship took up a major share of your time and energy.

What the hell do you do now that you are “free”?

Alone And Shattered
So here you stand, a single but broken man. You feel like a failure because you worked hard to make your last relationship a success. Instead, it was a catastrophe. You made mistakes. She made mistakes. You made poor decisions. She made poor choices. In short, what held such tremendous promise was nothing more than an oasis in the desert.

Did you want it too much? Maybe. Sometimes we fabricate a perfect relationship in our minds in order to compensate for a serious imbalance in compatibility. Physical appearance or material wealth often contribute to our stubborn insistence on making a square peg fit into a round hole. But the wrong woman is the wrong woman, no matter how hard you push or how well you deceive yourself.

The fact of the matter is that you have to conduct a comprehensive analysis in order to move on and date again. The first step is to look in the mirror and admit that the relationship was a two-way street. Do not play the blame game. You were not an angel and she was no devil, so face the music if you want to grow and learn from the experience. Remember my MO (Modus Operandi) for rebounding from a dysfunctional relationship: men who forget their relationship history are destined to repeat it with the next woman. My Ex taught me that, ‘You look for love in all the wrong places’.

I was cleaning the other day and I came across my Ex’s notes and she was doing an evaluation on the guys she was dating at that time. No name calling it was good but YHO! Against my name were hundreds of things against me. So what now?

Call in the SWOT team…
Swot It Away
A perfect tool to help you in that quest is a Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, and Threat analysis. An old business school technique, the SWOT analysis is a tangible way to represent what went wrong in the relationship to help you move on to a better one.

Strengths: What was your positive contribution to the relationship? Be specific. Keep lies at bay though I would want to show the paper how awesome I think I am.

Weaknesses: What was your negative contribution to the relationship? What do you need to develop to become a better partner in the future? Again, be as specific as possible.

Opportunities: What avenues, if any, could have been explored to salvage the relationship?

Threats: What obstacles do you face in future relationships that may hinder your chances at love? Do you have the required maturity and personality toolkit to make a woman happy for life? What internal factors within your control prevent you from being happy with a woman?
Make That List
Take an hour or more to compile your own personal SWOT analysis. Look at it. Study it. Think of it as a relationship audit to help you improve your rapport with the next woman and enhance your personal development. It may be difficult to face the music and discover what went wrong now that the relationship is over, but in order to rebound it is crucial.

In addition, make a list of what went wrong. Similar to the aforementioned weakness category, a list of what went wrong will serve as visible proof that the relationship was dysfunctional and may help explain why. The “why” is what you need to answer in order to get closure.

Yes, closure. A magic word in the relationship matrix. A psychoanalyst buzz word if you will, to help us move on and become better partners in the future. Closure has become a cliché, but it has merit. If you want to rebound from a dysfunctional relationship, you need it like a dehydrated man in the middle of the Kalahari.
Call Her Up
The first step to gaining closure is to have an appreciation of what you did wrong. Forget about her. Comprehend what you did and be the mature person. If a line of communication is still open, call her and arrange to meet for coffee or beer though the later is never a good one. Closure is better done in person than on the phone, by e-mail or text though I would want to text everything.

Be civil and explain the rationale behind the encounter. In case you forgot, the reason you want to meet with her is to end things on a good note not to have sex with her when you get a chance. Closure is a symbol to represent a lack of animosity between the both of you. Mend the fence, do not burn the bridge and try to be cordial with her.

Why is this a good idea?
It may be one of the most awkward exchanges you ever have but trust me, if you extend an olive branch and admit you did wrong, a weight will be lifted and your life will improve. Point blank.

When we face our demons, we grow and develop into better people. So foster some positive energy (karma) your way and get that closure. No matter how long it has been since the relationship went south, contact her and tie up that loose end.

You may sound crazy to her at first but my bet is that if it has been a nuisance in the back of your mind, it has been the same for her as well. Even if both of you have found new people, you still need to do it. Closure will make you whole.

Why Would I Say This?
I know because I went through a relationship that was the epitome of dysfunctional. I was young and naïve and fell for a girl with a major confidence crisis. She came from a broken and abusive household and had severe internal emotional damage as a result.

I became her friend, therapist and then, boyfriend. I made it my mission to help her overcome her demons and become a strong, confident woman. Her potential was phenomenal. As a business student, she was at the top of her class. Her academic talent was beyond compare but as a person, she was a mess.

Her drive to make it as an Accountant was motivated by her stern background, where second place was akin to failure. And so her life was school. I became her sole outlet to vent and a personal mechanism to cope with the nightmare that was her existence. In time however, my life became a nightmare. In my attempt to raise her up, I had become a victim of ambition run amuck and began to drown as a result.

A year later I broke it off, I was happy with another woman but I was still haunted by the past. After some deep thought on the matter, I realized that I had yet to put my ex behind me. The love was gone and I had a new flame but there was a lack of closure. So I made contact with her.

We met and there was major tension, of course. But we came to a resolution and made peace. And that made the difference between a bitter ex and a friend, which is what she is in my life today.

There is a lesson there. Even if you have a new woman in your life, in order to rebound from your past dysfunctional relationship, you have to reflect, be honest with yourself and get that closure. End that chapter of your life once and for all.

Juniour Out

Posted via iPhone®

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Facebook and Relationships | What You Dare Not Do

wenShitIsGood

Yo, yo, yo (me looking hella black, with my hoodie up, throwing up the “Kasi Vibe”). I’ve got a bone to pick with our generation. Men are no longer men, women are no longer ladies, and love is no longer true. My parents have been married for like 42 years now and not once have they ever felt the need to let the world know in a long winded Facebook status update. They go through their ups and downs, obviously things aren’t perfect between them if they spawned a black technician maniac like me. Although I can be eloquent at times, a great deal of my sentences end with “and shit or fuck…”.  But to my point, I bet you may have left at least five relationships you cannot stand just chillin on your Facebook right now.

Our generation simply has it too easy. I’ve never skinned an animal to feed my family, I’ve had to milk a cow and I’ve never gone down to the river to quench my thirst. But, there are a sleazy things I can do in 15 responses or less.

Ever tried to text out your relationship problems? I know I have, I literally wouldn’t answer the phone. Nothing says I want you back and I love you with all my heart quite like saying, “Hey lets just text about this.” Right? The woman who I thought was the love of my life walked out on me and I literally tried to text her back into my life. I learned my lesson, and the next time a light skinned woman walked out of my life, I got in a car and drove to her house to try to work things out. It didn’t work out, so I burnt that bitch’s house down and made sweet succulent love to her mother. Not really, but we as a generation seem to have no idea what romance or love really are. If we are no longer capable of “true” love that’s okay, but we need to recognize and understand that.

Back to my parents, they worked hard, they raised my tall slim ass, and they stayed together. For Hella years. Did they disagree? Yes, but they worked it out, Love. I know we can’t put a timeline on love, but I’d rather hang out with Mugabe than read about how you’ve been together for 6 months and say you love each other. It’s cool to be proud of who you’re with but understand that presenting your “perfect relationship” to the Facebook world is only going to complicate things when the ball is no longer moving towards the end zone.  

People by nature will chime in on what they think went wrong. You shoved your Romeo & Juliet-esque relationship down our throats for six months. You two now have a third party to deal with when deciding whether or not you have a future together, as if things aren’t obviously complicated enough based on the number of likes you recieved from your “true friends” the last time your relationship status changed to single. I think what disgusts me the most is the constant relationship status changes. Do you know how stupid you look? You look dumber than I did when I thought I was going to be have kids when I’m married someday.

Everyone has been in a crazy relationship, yes, those are the best. But, we don’t need to know you guys hate to love each other, or love to hate each other, or whatever it is you two seem to have going on. We laugh at you, yes, even if I pretend I care on Facebook, I’m laughing at you. Because for that brief moment I see you doing something stupid, and my little uneducated brain likes laughing at stupid things. If you’re a grown man, or have a child of your own, or a job, or even a pack of dusty condoms, you should never take part in any of this. I’m not saying don’t be crazy and that physically hurting your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend is a bad idea. I’m just saying that I don’t need to know about it.

Send me a text if you need to talk, its 2012 don’t annoy me with a phone call. As we get older we learn how to conduct ourselves in public. For example when I’m in the comfort of my own home I like starting most of my sentences with “Aye Dumbass”. Now, through trials and tribulations, some of which hurt, I understand this is not the way I should present myself in public. Facebook, like it or not, is public and therefore we need to learn how to behave.  

The fact that you found a boy or girl dumb enough to date you is really cool, but please ask yourself, is this something everyone wants to hear about 3 times a day? Probably not. So please, proof read and think twice before blurting out the juicy details of your relationship to the entire facebook world.

Follow me on Twitter (iAnicle) and shit

Juniour Out
Posted via iPhone®

Hold Yourself To Higher Standards and Live

On Friendship: 
I used to be very introverted and had a closed group of friends. They were very popular and I felt privileged to hang out with them. But I was also picked on the most. When meeting strangers, my “friends” would make lame comments about me so that it would seem that they are very cool and that they are doing me a favor for hanging out with me. Every time I started working on myself, on my goals, on expressing my dreams and the hard work I put in everyday they would feel threatened and made sure to do something about it to put me down again. My life changed immensely once I ditched them and basically started again from zero. Be around people that care about you and where you can provide two way growth

On Love:
Ignoring the little things that bother you will add up in the end. When the bubble bursts you realize you hate each other so much and you don’t even realize why anymore. But you are also so invested that it breaks you in half not having that person in your life ever again. Sex is great. Communication and vulnerability are better. Trust is key. If that is not present then you are just making each other miserable. Move on. Learn to love yourself again. And start over wiser.

On Confidence: 
I used to be very shy.I can’t tell you how many opportunities I have missed because I was afraid of “asking” or “upsetting“. I always thought if I just show up it will be enough. Opportunity will find me. That is not true. Stop waiting for stuff to happen and make it happen. Ask that girl out, ask for that raise, apply for that job, create that project you always wanted, go on that trip you always wanted, speak when you believe you have something to say, make that phone call. You will get slammed back down more than you could handle sometimes, but it will also help you reach places you never thought possible.

On Being Alone: 
I have so many regrets about people that are not present anymore in my life that I can’t call. I suck at following up with people. I lived in 3 countries but always ended up alone because I was too busy to see what the people I left behind are doing once in a while. Grab your phone, look up that person you haven’t talked in a while, send a Whats App message “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately. How is your life?”. Your life will enhance immensely.

On Life (or Death): 
My parents were at out of town one day. I was alone at home. My aunt and uncle were visiting and in the evening she calls me that my uncle is puking blood. He had liver cancer. I wanted to call the ambulance but it was kinda in the air that this was it. Earlier that week the doctor told him he had 3 months left. My uncle was still conscious so he asks me this incredible task: “Drive me to my hometown back to the house were I grew up, I want to die there”. I was 19. I complied. I can’t tell you how many thoughts were rushing through my mind while driving on the highway with my uncle on the back seat with a bucket puking and growling. 40 miles later we get at his house and I help my aunt lay him down in bed. While she rushes to get some clean clothes my uncles calls me and whispers in my ear something. He told me his regrets and asked me to not do the same. I had to go back home to get the car to my parents who rushed back in town with the train. On the way back I stopped on the side of the road and cried for a good 15 minutes. Later that night he passed away. Take what you want from this story. I learned that time catches up with us to fast to have regrets and doubts and be stuck inside our heads. It changed me.

On Health: 
On working out. Walk, run, lift, do something. Not for the rock hard abs and the beach body but for your piece of mind. It teaches you discipline, it releases endorfins, it enhances your brain activity. I’m trying to catch up now after skipping physical education classes most of my life, drinking and smoking heavily. You can also change. On eating. Make sure you put in the right fuel in your body. I’m not saying to go full paleo, but start small, one coke can less per day and more greens on your plate. My proportions are 35% protein,  40% healthy carbs, 25% healthy fats.

       “Mens sana in corpore sano”

On Being Liked: 
I used to be everyone’s pet. Trying to be liked by as many people as possible. Girls, teachers, bosses, readers, colleagues, employees. I was a prisoner of everyone’s opinion about me. The fact is some people will hate your work either way, some people will judge you either way, some people will expect for you to solve all their problems and hate if you can’t. The moment you start giving in to everyone’s opinion is the moment you stop being authentic. And people sense when you are fake. And then they like you even less. Don’t be afraid to shake the apple tree a bit to see what fruits remain after.

On Parents: 
Your parents will give you advice that is outdated. Advice that is bad for you. They do it because they love you and want you to be safe. Don’t fight them. Don’t judge them. Nod your head and then do what your heart says. Call them and tell them how much you love them. One day you will be in their shoes doing the same thing. But they might not be around anymore.

On Being Vulnerable: 
I wish I did it more. Nobody likes that perfect, no problems, amazing Facebook-life, I’m-better-than-you person. It’s fake. Everyone has their ups and downs. Everyone is trying to get by. Everyone has something to offer to the world.

       For me, today it’s this post.

Consider sharing this answer with someone you care about.

Closure Through Dreams

This is rather funny coming from a person like me, I never believed in dreams or could mean anything or nothing at all but in the last 3 years I have seen everything unfold and my jaw just falls time to time.

Have you ever had a dream which has given you closure in your life? I hadn’t until the last few years too be specific 2. I have had recurring dreams and have seen most of them come to pass but one has been standing aloof and I had it again in two consecutive nights and I should say its starting to happen but slowly. I know it had a message in it but I just had to figure it out.

Fast forward to the latest one. I don’t remember the whole thing but the bits I remember have been powerful. It was an intense emotionally charged dream. Then I remember being on the bus heading somewhere and unknown location.

Waking up in the morning I still felt the emotions reliving the dream. Then I felt calm. A calm I can only describe as the beginning of closure. But I think its as we learn in therapy. Radical acceptance. Maybe I dreamed it to give me more understanding. It like its given me permission to carry on my life without.

Either way what ever the reason. I’m feeling a peace inside me today that I’ve not experienced for such a long time. Weather temporary or permanent. I’m grateful to have respite from the guilt and shame I’ve been carrying on my shoulders.

Foundation of Lies

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She met him when he was still married. The secret meetings and stolen phone calls only added to the excitement of the affair. Now he’s left his wife to be with her. Why would she think he won’t do the same thing to her?

Oh, yea, she’s different. That’s why.

Time to face the cold, hard truth. It’s most likely not going to be different with her — it almost never is. When our relationship begins on a foundation of deceit and lies, then the rest of the house is usually built that way too. 

For him to be with her required him to break the sacred vows he made to his wife. This tells her something about his ability (or lack thereof) to make a commitment and keep a promise — if she’s willing to see it. This isn’t a pleasant truth to face, but it’s oh-so-important to do it sooner than later.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. That’s a foundation we can build a future on. And we all deserve that from our partner.

Be careful carry your brains when you follow your heart ❤.

#cheating    #relationshipadvice

The Common Thing in Your Relationships With Your Ex’s

IS YOU

For years and years I’ve preached that “improving” one’s relationships or sex life is merely self-improvement in disguise. You attract what you are, and if you’re attracting what you don’t like, then it’s probably because there’s an aspect of yourself that you don’t like or that you’re fundamentally unhappy with. 

This isn’t always the most popular message of course. People generally want the easy fixes, the 1-2-3 formulas —  as if living, breathing humans were robots, and the key to getting the correct outputs was simply putting in the correct inputs. 

One of the biggest problems I see with our culture is that we are still clinging to antiquated visions and versions of what sex, love and relationships are and what they should be. These are ideas that served people well hundreds of years ago but make little sense for us in a modern age. 

For one, I believe that the key to a successful relationship is making a few things MORE IMPORTANT than the relationship — this means having values that supercede sex or love. Values such as honesty or dignity. Ironically, the key to a successful dating life or sex life is to prioritize something else HIGHER than a successful dating life or sex life. 

This is hard for people to understand sometimes. This is all about getting the correct mindsets and values in place before pursuing your relationships and how this makes all of the difference

Best Regards

Junior

The Love Triangle

The Love Triangle

Confusing Infatuation with Love: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment
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Robert Sternberg, the noted psychologist, said, “Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.”

The triangular theory of love is a theory of love he developed through years of study and actual research. In the context of interpersonal relationships, “the three components of love, according to the triangular theory, are an intimacy component, a passion component, and a decision/commitment component.”

Intimacy – Encompasses feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
Passion – Encompasses drives connected to both limerence and sexual attraction.
Commitment – Encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, plans made with that other.

A relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or all three elements.  Sternberg identified passionate love and companionate love. Passionate love and companionate love are different kinds of love but are connected in relationships.

Passionate love is associated with strong feelings of love and desire for a specific person. This love is full of excitement and newness. Passionate love is important in the beginning of the relationship but typically does not last for more than a year. There is a chemical component to passionate love. Those experiencing passionate love are also experiencing increased neurotransmitters, specifically phenyl ethylamine.

Companionate love follows passionate love. Companionate love is also known as affectionate love. When a couple reaches this level of love, they feel mutual understanding and care for each other. This love is important for the survival of the relationship.

Committed love is when lovers are committed to being physically and emotionally together for a long period of time.

Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. However, in the absence of developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

So the bottom line is – you may believe you are “in love” with someone, but in actual fact you may not have gotten past the first stage – infatuation.

“If you could pick the top most important thing you need in a relationship which would you choose?

I’d choose commitment .

Purely because for me if I’m committed to the person. I will be loyal, supportive, understanding. I’ll be faithful and trust worthy” If you could pick the top most important thing you need in a relationship which would you choose? I’d choose commitment . Purely because for me if I’m committed to the person. I will be loyal, supportive, understanding. I’ll be faithful and trust worthy. If I’m not committed fully to someone I can not connect on the levels needed to have a long term partnerships.

Find What You Love And Let It Kill You

Find What You Love And Let It Kill You

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“We’re all going to die, all of us. What a circus! That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.”

Yes, we’re all going to die. You and me and everyone else. One day and eventually that fateful moment will come calling and take us all away.

When we die isn’t even really the interesting question, as once you’re dead you won’t be around to care about what you did or didn’t do.

No, the interesting question is how we die.  Choking or Some Douchebag is going to gun you down?

Me? I picture myself dying in my sleep. The earth would sweep upon us and together we’d be slammed into eternity.

Luckily that hasn’t happened yet. But it’s exciting to think about.

When we think about our own deaths we typically think about the final moments. The hospital beds. The crying family. The ambulances. We don’t think about the long string of choices and habits which lead to those final moments.

You could say that our death is a work-in-progress over the course of our lives — each breath, each bite, each swallow, each late night and missed traffic light, each laugh and scream and cry and crashing fist and lonely sigh, they each bring us one step closer to our own dramatic denouement from this world.

So the better question isn’t when you’re going to die. It’s what are you choosing as your vehicle to get there? If everything you do each day brings you closer to death in it’s own unique and subtle way, then what are you choosing to let kill you?

WITH PASSION COMES PAIN

The title of this article is a quote from the author and poet Charles Bukowski. This entire article kind of doubles as an ode to him.

Bukowski was a shameless drinker, womanizer and all-around fuck up. He would get drunk on stage at his poetry readings and verbally abuse his audience. He gambled a lot of his money away and had an unfortunate habit of exposing himself in public.

But underneath Bukowski’s disgusting exterior was a deep and introspective man with more character than most. Bukowski spent most of his life broke, drunk and getting fired from various jobs. Eventually he ended up working in a post office filing letters. All his life he wrote fruitlessly, a total unknown and a loser. He wrote for almost 30 years before finally getting his first book deal. It was a meager deal. When accepting it, he wrote, “I have one of two choices – stay in the post office and go crazy … or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve.”

In my opinion, the honesty in his writing — his fears, failures, regrets, self-destruction, emotional dysfunctional — it is unparalleled. He will tell you the best and worst of himself without flinching, without shifting his eyes or even muttering a “sorry about that” as an afterthought. He wrote about both shame and pride without qualification. His writing was equanimous — a silent embrace of the horrible and beautiful man that he was.

And what Bukowski understood, which most people don’t, is that the best things in life can sometimes be ugly. Life is messy, and we’re all a little screwed up in our own special snowflake kind of way. He never understood the baby boomer obsession with peace and happiness or the idealism that came along with it. He understood that you don’t get one side without the other. You don’t get love without pain. You don’t get meaning and profundity without sacrifice.

The concept of life purpose has exploded in popularity in recent decades. We don’t just want to make money or build a secure career. We want to do something important. We want to be noticed. We want to be looked up to.

Meaning is the new luxury.

But like any other luxury, we idealize meaning. People believe that all you have to do is find the thing — that one bloody thing! — that you are “meant” to do, and suddenly, everything will click into place. You’ll do it until the day you die and always feel fulfilled and happy and prance with unicorns and rainbows while making a million dollars in your pajamas.

But we just need that one thing — if only we knew what we were meant to do, then everything would fit into place!

And while it’s possible to brainstorm some ideas to help one get started, finding meaning and purpose is not a five-day spa retreat. It’s a fucking hike through mud and shit with golf-ball-sized hail pelting you in the face. And you have to love it. You really have to love it.

As Bukowski said, “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.”

Finding the passion and purpose in your life is a trial-by-fire process. You don’t simply wake up one day and become happy doing one thing forever and ever. Like death, it’s a constant work-in-progress. You must try something, pay attention to how it feels, adjust and then try again. Nobody gets it right on the first try, or the tenth or sometimes even the two-hundredth.

And then, when you do get it right, it’s liable to one day change. Because you change.

“Writing is easy; all you have to do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead.”

– Gene Fowler

And what Bukowski understood more than most was that doing what you love is not always loving what you do. There’s an inherent sacrifice to it. Just like choosing a spouse, it’s not choosing someone who makes you happy all the time, it’s choosing somebody who you want to be with even when they’re pissing you off.

It’s something that feels like an inevitability, like you have no choice because this is simply who you are, dysfunction and all. It’s your chosen vehicle towards death. And you’re happy to let it take you there. But you’re under no illusions that it won’t be a bumpy ride or without surprises along the way.

  • Your study of speech therapy may lead you to voice acting which may turn into a career in children’s cartoons and then you may decide at age 55 that children’s cartoons are corrupted by corporate interests and you spend the rest of your days sketching comics you love but never publish.
  • Your interest in fitness may lead you to a deeper interest in posture and form which then gets you into coaching people on body language and sub-communication. This leads you into a consulting business, but after dealing with the surface level issues for years, you discover that the body molds itself to match repressed emotions. So you take your big consulting pension, say fuck it, and open up an acupuncture and massage clinic where you dedicate the last of your days to promoting mind-body awareness.

Just like few of us experience love at first sight, few will experience passion and meaning at first experience. Like a relationship, we must build it from scratch, piece-by-piece, until after years of brick and sweat, it can stand on its own.

And once we’re there, like a plane in full nosedive, we let it take us to our grave, holding hands, blanketed upon the earth in a laughing roar of wind and fire and love.

“We’re here to laugh at the odds,” Bukowski said, “and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

And when Death does come, how will he take you?